I can’t. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t write. I can’t read, or listen to books. I can’t listen to music, can’t play or sing. My art is gone, I can’t draw, paint or color. The only time I function is when I’m supporting the kids or friends and family. As soon as the door closes the life leaves with them. Nothing left here but fear and uncertainty. He was buried one week ago and it was the longest week. I think I’m losing time. What is the point of going on if all you do is take up space, time and resources. I had ways to show Sean my appreciation. I have nothing to offer anyone to make up for the cost in time, effort, and pay for labor. Every time I worry about what will happen I feel guilty for thinking of myself and the fear gets worse. How the hell do I care about taking medication on time when I can’t think or concentrate longer than a few seconds. I was 3 hours late feeding the dogs because I forgot! I’m so OCD about the animals schedule this is not a good sign. All 4 boys are being separated in one case, by a state, and another by hate. Everything he held important has dissolved because he…so, I just can’t.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to say goodbye to the most important person in my life. Sean is not my biological son. He came to live with me at age 15 years. I accepted him and 5 friends when they had nowhere to go. Only Sean expressed gratitude, only Sean came around to help me as my health failed. He’s been my primary caregiver for the past 5 years. He was my landscaper, Hvac repairman, car mechanic, ride to the doctor, plumber, painter and anything else I needed. He dropped by almost daily even though he was so busy he barely slept. If I was sick he stopped in multiple times a day. He gave me grandchildren to care for and love. None of that comes close to the loss of a friend and confidante. Sean was one of the finest people I’ve ever known and for some reason he loved me like a mother. My mind is the hamster wheel and I just can’t stop losing him again and again. I know why but I don’t understand quitting because my Sean never ever quit. I know he thought it would protect his kids, but I know they wouldn’t care why, they just want daddy back. I worry most about his 2 non biological sons. These 2 boys never, before Sean, had any male role models and now their futures are unsure. I seem to be one of a few who understand what these 2 boys lost. I saw him tonight and I almost wish I hadn’t gone. He wouldn’t want the boys to see him this way but they are having an open casket. I’m not sure I even want to go and say goodbye for the last time. Are you there Sean? Come back so I can kick your ass for leaving us all. I am getting up everyday for your children and believe me, I don’t want to but I won’t abandon them. I will wait and say goodbye to you tomorrow, but you will live on in my heart, as my child, forever. Forever.
I could never have imagined that my story would interest anyone but me and perhaps my family. About a month ago I submitted 2 patterns for assessment by Linda Farmer at tanglepatterns.com (you’ll find the link in my menu). When submitting a pattern, Linda asks for you to write a blurb about yourself in case they decide to publish your patterns. I’d like to say they published my patterns but it can take time for that to happen. Linda emailed me back and asked to use my story on her site and yesterday I saw a mail from her saying they’d published my story. The wonderful responses and heartfelt messages have really been a balm today as I prepare for my Sean’s funeral tomorrow. I’ve been deeply moved by the outpouring of support for me and my family and I’m more grateful than I can express. Here’s the story link if anyone is interested.
My Sean, left 4 boys behind ages 6, 7, and 2 aged 8. Because of the circumstances of his death his life insurance will not pay, so I’ve established a gofundme account to try and provide for college if that’s what they want. The fund will be administered by a third party and my only function will be to deposit money in the account. I’ve started by donating $10.00 per boy. His community came together beautifully to help raise his burial costs so my intent is not to beg for more but to make this fund available for friends and family as time goes on. Donations are greatly appreciated as we have so many for which to provide.
Thanks for your support!
Tomorrow, July 11, 2016, it will be one week since the death of my son Sean. This week has been full of calls, texts, visits and family trying to come together. Words cannot describe the emotional and physical exhaustion or the physical pain involved in being up and walking so much this week. It’s also so hard to be the emotional support for so many others when all I want to do is cry myself to sleep every night. Having his children around is both a balm and a heartache. As I have been overwhelmed with the number of people deeply affected by his death I keep asking myself why this beautiful man gave up and didn’t fight. I know this is a question I’ll never be able to answer which just makes it all harder.
This quotation was something I received at an interpreting convention (sign language). I was going through old boxes I re-read it and remembered why I’d saved it. When I let Sean read it, he immediately wanted a copy. A friend made it into a poster and he took 3 copies. He hung one up in his shop at work and read it to his crew and new hires because this is one of the most important lessons you can learn in life. I believe this wholeheartedly and so did Sean. Read and think or not, the choice is yours. (I may have just channeled yoda)
Our single greatest gift is the freedom to choose our attitude.
Your Attitude is more important than knowledge, education, background, wealth, position, talent or appearance.
It is even more powerful than what other people think, or say or do.
It will make or break a team…a company …a person…a relationship…a home.
I am convinced that life is 5% what happens to me and 95% how I choose to look and react to it.
And so it is with you! Your attitude is your choice!
Ellen A. Miller
If you can wrap your mind around this you’ll be way ahead in life. Choose to be positive!
This is the concept to which I’m clinging. What will you choose?